it's taken me a good while to go back to working on this blog, which isn't surprising if you know me— i'm fickle and tend to get distracted by whatever shiny thing catches my eye. i've been wanting a space to write in outside of social media though, so i finally sat my ass down and set this up. let's get to it.

i spent last week with one of my partners. it was our first time meeting in person and everything about it was perfect; we made each other laugh, we watched over one another, we learned each other's body language, etc. even when we had to change some plans due to the holidays we still managed to have fun and i miss them terribly.

if i teared up looking at this no i didn't.

the issue is that, while i had no doubt it'd be a wonderful experience, i underestimated the impact that experiencing domesticity with someone who truly accepted me as i am would have on me. i'm used to feeling incompetent, burdensome, somehow overly sensitive and heartless at the same time— just an unpleasant person to be around. it was the complete opposite with them. i don't remember ever being that calm.

so it's been difficult to sort through these feelings; i'm glad to have seen tangible proof that i'm capable of taking care of my loved ones, that i have my own things to bring to the table, but i also can't help but mourn being separated from them all the harder. it sucks, to put it mildly. there were plenty of meaningful moments that i try to focus on, and if i can give my family one thing it's that they showed my partner all the kindness in the world. i wanted them to feel like my home also belonged to them, and i think everyone helped make that happen.

i just miss them so, so much.

icon drawn by snowshu.